


fowl play

by hemlock_sunset



Category: Let's Play Cyberpunk Red - Polygon (Web Series)
Genre: Burger Chainz Needs To Be Kept In Check, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Goose-typical violence, Rated T for swearing, Vang0 and Dasha Cannot Keep Him In Check, i wrote this in the span of about 20 minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25884670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hemlock_sunset/pseuds/hemlock_sunset
Summary: “You think she’d like a kibble bar?” Burger asks, fishing one out.Vang0 stares.“I’m feeding her a kibble bar,” Burger decides.-Vang0 finds a goose. Burger can't just let a goose loose in Night City, Dasha, are you kidding me?Shenanigans ensue.
Relationships: Burger Chainz & Dapper Dasha, Burger Chainz & Vang0 Bang0
Comments: 15
Kudos: 28





	fowl play

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, so this was the result of me thinkin a whole lot about geese. And how Burger would love them. And how everyone else in Night City would hate them. 
> 
> Don't ask me, man. Sometimes you spend a week trying to think about an Android AU and then instead you end up with a Goose AU somehow.

“Burger,” Vang0’s voice crackles over the agent. “There is a fucking  _ goose _ over here.”

Burger pauses. He’d been comfortably sitting in his van, working on a solo job, when Vang0 had called him out of the blue. Of course, he picked up, but all told he is blindsided by this call for two reasons:

  1. The last time he saw a goose was when he was 5 and it tried to peck his eye out, and
  2. He is pretty goddamn sure they don’t belong in Night City.



“Okay, so what’s the problem here?” he asks. “Is it that the goose is too cute, or-”

“What the  _ fuck, _ Burger, no,” Vang0 says. “It’s the fact that it EXISTS. Can you- just-  _ ugh, _ just get over here. I’ll- fuckin’  _ god-  _ I’ll send you my location.”

“Cool, thanks, be-” is all Burger gets out before the end-call beep comes. “Rude,” he mutters to nobody in particular. That’s how Vang0’s always been as far as he knows, though, so it’s not even like he can complain all that much.

Vang0’s way the fuck out there on the other side of Night City, so it takes him a bit to get there. The scene he’s greeted with means he has to take another twenty to thirty seconds or so and lean back and laugh, though.

Vang0’s clinging to the top of a lamppost, arms and legs and everything wrapped around the iron, as the goose squawks and flaps on the pavement below. It’s a spot pretty far out of the way; nobody tends to go to the South of Night City since there’s not much out there but desert beyond that. Burger reckons Vang0’s pretty thankful for that right about now. 

He still takes a photo. Just for Dasha’s sake.

When he climbs out of the van, he’s not sure what to do at first; it’s a goose, it’s not like one of the cows on the farm. He knows how to deal with cows. He does not know how to deal with geese. He circles the scene, and eventually just yells, “Hey, Vang0, you doin’ okay?”

“Absolutely not, thanks for  _ asking,”  _ Vang0 says, but it’s done the trick; the goose whips its head towards him and gives chase.

He hadn’t really thought that far.

So he acts on instinct; he reaches out and grabs the goose in both hands, one around the base of its skull, the other wrapped around its wings. It’s skinnier than he guessed. There’s probably not much food ‘round these parts for geese.

“HOLY FUCK,” Vang0 announces.

_ That’s about right, _ Burger thinks, trying frantically to direct its beak away from his arms. “Hey, uh, Vang0, could you grab a bag from the trunk?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Vang0 shouts back hysterically, “just let me get down first! Oh wait I fucking  _ can’t  _ because I wasn’t THINKING about that when I climbed up here!”

This sounds very much like a no to Burger, so he carefully transfers the goose to one arm, using the upper arm around the wings and his hand around the head. The goose is no happier with this position than it was before, which seems rude to him- he had worked pretty hard to get it there, after all- and instead, he has to pop the trunk one-handed and unzip a bag, using his foot to stabilize it. Then he carefully deposits the goose in the bag and zips it most of the way shut again, with its neck and head poking out the opening. 

Thus armed with his goose-bag in the trunk, he turns his attention to the other part of the scene that needs help; the Vang0 trying and failing to worm his way down the light pole.

“Okay,” he says, “goose has been secured.”

“Um, well- that’s- great, Burger, could you get me down from here?” Vang0 says. Burger looks around; he’s observant enough, and he’s sure Keanu won’t mind some extra prints on his hood. He climbs on the front bumper and carefully, oh-so-carefully, lifts Vang0 down.

“You’re light,” he comments when both his feet are back on the ground.

  
“You have a goose in your trunk,” Vang0 retorts.

“Well, yeah. I should probably figure out somethin’ to do with that, huh.”

“Yeah, that seems like the best course of action,” Vang0 says. Burger shoves his hands in his pockets, first as a sort of absentminded motion, then in pursuit of the wrapped food that disappears further into them.

“You think she’d like a kibble bar?” Burger asks, fishing one out.

Vang0 stares.

“I’m feeding her a kibble bar,” Burger decides.

-

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT,” Dasha screeches when the bird enters her home in its bag.  _ Her goddamn house.  _ Server help them all.

“It’s a goose,” Burger says. “I think I’m gonna name it Fluffy.”

She stares.

Vang0 stares.

The goose stares.

“What!?” Burger says. “It’s cute! I named it!”

The goose hisses.

“It’s  _ cute, _ ” Dasha repeats dubiously, not moving a muscle. Its eyes are beady. They seem to stare into her soul and past it.

“Cute!” Burger says, rubbing the pad of his finger over the goose’s head. It bites his finger.

“Real cute,” Vang0 says nervously.

“Where- where are you planning to keep it?” Dasha asks. Certainly not in  _ her apartment, _ right??? Right???

“Oh, I thought I’d replace one of the back seats. Build Fluffy a coop.”

Well. At least it’s not her apartment.

“You’re gonna keep a goose in your van,” Vang0 repeats slowly. “Where you live.”

“Yes?” Burger tries.

“With you. While you sleep.”

“Yes???” Burger says. “Is- is that a problem?”

“You are trusting that creature with your  _ life,  _ Burger,” Dasha puts in.

“Well, you know what? I trust it with my life, Dasha.”

She throws her hands up and goes to drown her sorrows in television.

-

“That is a harness,” Vang0 informs Burger, because there is no way he is actually planning to put that thing on his creature.

“Yep! I think it’ll look good on her,” he announces, holding it to the light. 

It’s  _ pink. _

It has  _ sparkly rhinestones. _

What the  _ fuck. _

“You are putting a harness on your goose,” Vang0 tries again. Is he just not getting it??? Is something  _ wrong  _ with his brain that makes it so he can’t recognize his own stupidity when it is goose-related?

“Yep!” Burger agrees cheerily. “She laid me an egg the other day.”   
  


WHAT.

“She’ll be a really good food source!”   
  


“You live in a  _ van, _ ” Vang0 says. “You don’t have a stove.”

“I have a cast iron pan and an engine!” he says cheerily.

“Are we talking about cooking the goose?” Dasha asks, materializing at Vang0’s shoulder. He does not jump or shriek or fall on the floor. Instead, he takes a deep, calming breath. 

“I would  _ never  _ cook Fluffy,” Burger says, horrified. “She’s my friend.”

“What the fuck,” Vang0 says again, because it bears repeating.

-

“I bet you weren’t expecting this,” Burger yells, and lets go of Fluffy the Goose.

She bursts across the room, peppering the thieves with powerful blows from her wings, beak, and claws. The harness glitters on her back; the thieves turn tail and flee when she caws. A force of goddamn nature. Burger's _so goddamn proud_ of this bird.

She returns, looking very smug, to Burger’s arms.

“Good girl,” he tells her. “If you keep this up I might buy you a denim jacket to match mine.” He pets her head, and she bites his finger.

Vang0 looks horrified. Next to him, Dasha rolls her eyes. “Baby steps, Burger. Baby steps.”

**Author's Note:**

> I know nothing about geese. This was very definitely painfully obvious. I did write the whole thing with the GooseDesktop buddy open, if that counts.
> 
> Please drop a comment or a kudos if you enjoyed this disaster fic!


End file.
